


You Saw Me

by wintersxsoul



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Pianist, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Angst and Humor, Bucky Barnes Feels, Enemies to Friends, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, How Do I Tag, Love Triangles, Mutual Pining, Reader-Insert, Romantic Soulmates, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, history teacher reader
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-25
Updated: 2019-06-24
Packaged: 2019-12-07 12:47:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 17,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18235118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wintersxsoul/pseuds/wintersxsoul
Summary: You have the life you’d always dreamt of. The job of your dreams, the perfect boyfriend and the best group of friends. But what happens when that life is not enough and your soulmate is not who you thought it would be?





	1. Chapter 1

You yawned tiredly while getting out of bed way too early for someone to be awake. You looked one last time to your bed smiling adoringly at the sleeping form of your boyfriend. You hated Mondays with all your heart and soul, but your work was worth the tiredness and Sunday nights with Jake were even more. Usually you stayed at his apartment but after last night’s date, you decided to crash at yours. After getting dressed and applying makeup, you headed to the kitchen to prepare coffee and get ready for your classes. You took a sip of your hot coffee and sighed, opening your laptop to write down a few lines you had to change on your slideshow for today’s lecture. Being a History teacher in the NYU was great but tiring, it took a lot of energy from you but it was what you loved doing, or at least that’s what you thought.

You glanced at your phone when a message popped up, your college best friend and now coworker, Natasha, was asking for you to pick her up since it was your turn this month. You took turns every month to distribute the cost of gasoline and just like that, seven years had passed. You texted a short reply and started to gather your stuff to leave but before that, you wrote a little note and left it on the counter, pressing your lips to the paper to leave a kiss print.

Nat got in the car clicking her tongue, her paper cup of coffee on one hand and her death glance on point. You never understood why she chose to do the morning lectures when she clearly wasn’t a morning person, but you knew it was something you couldn’t ask, not when she was in such a mood. You started the engine and turned on the radio, picking out the list of songs that you knew Nat would totally adore right now.

Right before she could even finish her coffee, she was already complaining about some students that were pressuring her to change the date of an exam because apparently some band was doing a concert on the campus.

“These kids really are a pain in the ass. Thank the stars we weren’t like that.” She added with a roll of her green eyes. You parked the car and looked at her amused, because she was actually one of those students.

“Uhm I think you forgot your college years already, Nat. Lemme remind you that day you sent an email to Mrs...What was her name? That Literature teacher we had…” You touched your chin, a smirk on your lips when Nat realized what you meant.

“Okay, that was  _ one _ time.” She sighed heavily and you knew the comment that was coming. “And at least we all enjoyed college, not like you and Mr.Perfect.” 

“Listen, Tasha, I’ve been hearing the same bullshit for almost seven years.” You pinched the bridge of your nose and you knew you were going to regret the words that were going to leave your mouth. “All those classes we skipped, all those parties we missed...we weren’t studying.”

Nat’s eyebrows shot up in awe, staring at your blushed face, wide eyed. She was about to open her mouth when you cut her off pointing at her warningly, a smirk dancing on your lips. 

“I gotta bounce, but this conversation is not over, I wanna know more about all the lies you’ve been telling.” She turned around and left to her office, laughing and muttering something about your friendship being built on lies. You shook your head and went to your own office, already dreading the day that was ahead of you.

After your last lecture about Espionage and The Making of The Modern World, you went to your office to review the essays on the Cold War Era. You slumped on the chair and noticed the huge bouquet of red tulips on top of your desk. You smiled and reached for the little note that sat next to the flowers.

_ For the love of my life, in hopes that this will bring a little joy in your cloudy day. _

_ With love, J xxx _

 

You clutched the little note tight to your chest and smiled even wider, taking out your journal and sticking the paper to a page, scribbling the date when he sent them.

 

_ The cute barista from the coffee shop you always went to was staring at you from across the room, even though the library was full of students. You blushed and looked back to your book but unable to focus on your reading. After a few minutes, you felt someone behind you and you smiled knowingly, but still kept your eyes on the book in front of you. He sat down in the chair next to yours and cleared his throat. _

_ “Hey, sorry to disturb you, but I…” You took off your reading glasses and looked at him, a smirk on your lips. _

_ “You were wondering if you could ask for my number?” He blushed and looked at the table, nodding timidly. You giggled and wrote your number in a piece of paper, sliding it so he could take it. _

_ “I’ve been meaning to ask you for it since the first time I saw you in the coffee shop.” He whispered, trying not to disturb the other students. You blushed and smiled at him, your confidence suddenly increasing because you’d noticed him that same day as well.  _

_ “That’s funny, because I’ve wanted yours since that day as well.”  _

_ You learned that his name was Jake and he was studying Mathematics, and that same day, he asked you on a date. Every date you had, he brought a tulip and after asking him why and never getting an answer, you checked online. Tulips meant a declaration of love and your heart melted.  _

 

A knock at your door brought you back to the present day, but the smile never left your lips. Natasha closed the door behind her and sighed heavily while throwing herself at the couch you had on your office. 

“You have a secret admirer now?” She asked nodding at the flowers. You shook your head and blushed like a teenager.

“It was Jake, he knows how much of a Monday hater I am.” She huffed, she really was against all kinds of romantic gestures. 

“Don’t be a rude bitch. What’s up?” You sat on the backrest of the couch looking at her, frowning.

“Nothing, just came to ask if you wanted to come to the bar to have a beer with the boys.”

“Oh, Nat you know I’m a hoe for beers. Count me in.” You stood up and grabbed your stuff, sending a text to Jake to tell him you were going to the bar and that you loved the flowers, wishing him a good day.

“I’m ready to go, so move that cute ass of yours and let’s go.”


	2. Chapter 2

“Natasha Romanoff, care to explain why the fuck you brought her, again?” Bucky muttered between his teeth, anger evident in his tone. You were laughing loudly alongside Steve at something Sam had said, ignoring Bucky’s comment. You met them all in college, you still remember the weird relationship Nat and Bucky had, and how they broke up not long after you met them. Natasha had explained that no matter how hard they both tried to make it work, they weren’t made for each other, they weren’t soulmates. You all believed in soulmates because you had seen them, you had seen how Steve and Peggs’ tattoos appeared in front of your eyes the day she stumbled upon your group so many years ago, both of them gravitating towards the other, it was like magic. You still looked at your body cautiously every day in the mirror, waiting for your date with Jake to show up, but neither of you had it, yet. You were sure that he was the one for you, that he was your soulmate, you still had hope and so did he.

Bucky was glaring at you from across the table, still talking to Nat in whispers, the redhead shaking her head, dismissing whatever that asshole was telling her. James Buchanan Barnes was your least favorite person in the world since the first day you met, his arrogance and childish behavior getting on your nerves every minute you spent close to him. You couldn’t even remember what you had done for him to hate you in the first place, but after all those years, you couldn’t care less. 

Your phone buzzed and you smiled with that lovestruck expression Nat hated to see on you so much. 

_ Honey, do you feel like going for a ride and having a pizza? _

Your stomach growled and you typed the answer, already standing up and straightening your clothes.

_ Ugh love, how well you know me. And...what kind of ride are we talking about? ;) _

You were chugging your second pint when you received the answer and you almost choked, coughing maniacally. 

“Hey what happened? Is Mr.Perfect talking dirty?” Sam asked jokingly, your expression giving away all the information you were trying so hard to hide.

“Oh god, that reminds me...Y/n we have to talk about college.” All eyes were on you now, even Bucky’s, even though they felt more like knives.

“Uhm, no we don-”

“What happened in college??” Steve and Sam asked at the same time, all eyebrows in the table rising. You glared at Natasha, blushing like crazy. You would never hear the end of this. Never.

“So, remember all the parties and lessons these two missed because they needed to study?” Nat asked and once she saw the confused expressions and nods, proceeded to expose you.

“They were actually studying themselves. Can you believe they lied to us for almost a decade? Thinking they were pure souls?” Everyone gasped at the given information and started sharing memories of all the parties you had missed because you were too busy fucking your boyfriend. You were texting Jake to please hurry up because the morons were laughing at you when someone in the table cleared their throat.

“Can we please talk about something that is actually important and not someone else’s sex life?” You snapped your head towards Bucky and he was glaring at you so you just stood up, grabbed your things and called it a night. You huffed in annoyance when you got out of the bar and felt someone grabbing your arm to stop you and you knew exactly who it was.

“You better let me go or I will punch you straight in the dick.” When you turned around, all anger melted when you saw Jake, looking at you confused and a bit scared.

“Uhm, I assume Buck came as well?” You pinched the bridge of your nose and nodded, approaching him and pressing your forehead to his chest, instantly melting into his warmness, all anger and hatred forgotten. Jake hugged you, placing his hand on the back of your head, stroking your hair. He leaned in and kissed the top of your head, breathing in your scent. 

“Please, let’s go.” You whined and he giggled, your whole body vibrating with his laugh. You smiled into his chest and pushed him away jokingly.

“Okay, you go say hi to the group while I wait for you here.” He nodded and gave you a kiss to your temple. You took out your phone and pack of cigarettes, and when you noticed the date you were at, the blood froze on your veins. You had forgotten your anniversary. You looked inside the bar and saw Jake talking and laughing with Bucky and Sam, Steve talking to Nat, a serious expression on their faces. You called your favorite Italian restaurant and booked a table, sighing relieved when they told you they still had plenty of tables and they actually had your special spot free. That restaurant was the first place you went for your first date and it was a tradition for you to go there on special occasions like birthdays, dates or just whatever you wanted to celebrate.

Once Jake parked the bike in front of your house, you hopped off and waited for him to do the same.

“So, the guys told me they discovered why we missed so many gatherings at college...I thought at least Tasha knew?” He held your hand and walked besides you, slowing his pace so it would take you longer to reach your apartment.

“Well, they never asked and it’s something private. I know they are my closests friends but I don’t know, it’s something between you, me and our furniture.” He smiled widely at you, a hint of mischief glowing in his eyes. You smirked at him and stood on your tiptoes to kiss him, a soft moan escaping your lips as soon as he pinned you against the closest wall, his hands tugging at your clothes, yours already inside his pants.

“Open the door now, please.” He pleaded you, his lips brushing yours, both of you panting and eager to touch the other.

You looked at him while he brushed his teeth, a sudden wave of sadness hitting you when you didn’t catch a glimpse of his soulmate tattoo. You stood up and went to your mirror and searched for any little mark, any little number on your skin. But as always, nothing showed up, your skin was as blank as ever. Neither of you had found your soulmate yet, neither of you were destined to be with the other. But even though you knew that, nothing stopped you from trying, from loving him as much as you did, as much as he did.


	3. Chapter 3

_ “I don’t understand why they haven’t showed up…” You asked more to yourself than to Jake, staring at the ceiling of your dorm. He rolled on the bed and leaned his head in your chest, smiling when you traced his jawline with your fingers and stroked a few strands of hair.  _

_ “What do you mean, peaches?” He placed his hand on your cheek and you looked at him adoringly, smiling tenderly at his lovestruck expression. _

_ “The soulmate mark dude, why don’t we have it?” He frowned at you and sat on the bed, holding your face with his hands, caressing your cheeks with his thumbs. _

_ “We don’t have to be soulmates to know that we are together, to know that my heart beats only for you…” You closed your eyes and sighed, taking in his words. Jake pressed his forehead to yours and you opened your eyes, finding his big green eyes glancing at you. _

_ “Jake, I don’t need them either to know that I am totally in love with you, but I want you to be the one, I really do.” He smiled and pressed his soft lips to yours, a soft groan leaving him when you pressed his body against the mattress, your legs straddling him, your hair cascading on your face covering half of it. Jake pushed your hair back, placing it behind your ear and raised his head to kiss you again, more fervently, passionately, pouring all his love for you, making your heart flutter.  _

_ “I love you so much, my sweet peach.” _

 

“What are you thinking about, peaches?” You smiled into your cup of coffee and held your head back so he could kiss you on the forehead, as he always did on the mornings. You placed the mug on the counter and grabbed the mug that was in front of you.

“I went to that organic store that is a few blocks away from Tasha’s house and bought that matcha green tea powder you love so much…” You handed him the iced coffee mix, smiling at him widely.

“Fuck, I love you so much.” He took a seat next to you and drank his frappe in two gulps, setting down the mug and putting down yours as well. He looked at his watch and smirked, muttering something about having ten minutes more right before crashing his lips against yours. 

You stood up and sat with his help on the counter, opening your legs so he could stand between them. 

“Jake...p-please…” You stopped him before the situation got more heated, you really had to leave for work earlier today because you had to prepare a lecture you had forgotten to do last night. 

He stepped back and helped you down, straightening his clothes and helping you with yours. 

“Oh I didn’t tell you, Orion, one of my kids, drew me a picture of your favorite constellation.” He took out a paper from his case and handed it to you, a huge grin plastered on his face. 

“This is so sweet!! I really have to go back to your class one day.” You went to the fridge and sticked the drawing of the pisces constellation. 

All the way to the car, he was silent, the sweet moment on the kitchen seemed to be forgotten. 

“Y/N, I was thinking and...maybe we should talk about us?” You stopped dead in your tracks, making him stop as well since you were holding hands. It was the first time in seven years he had said those words and you felt your heart drop to your feet, your face showing the pain you were feeling. 

“Hey, hey peaches, it’s nothing bad. Nothing to worry about!” You sighed relieved when you read his expression. He was a terrible liar and also hated to lie, so all kinds of worries and doubts left your mind immediately. 

“I was just wondering that after all this time together, maybe we should...I don’t know, move in together?” He shrugged trying to appear calmed and nonchalant, but you knew that deep down he was as nervous as the first time he asked you out. 

You stared at him silent, your eyes widening when the words sunk in. Moving in? If you thought about it, it really made sense. You were both adults with stable jobs and you almost lived together already, but why did the idea of actually moving in with him shocked you so much?

“I...I don’t know, you’ve caught me off guard dude.” You started walking again, your legs finally responding to your brain. 

“You don’t have to answer straight away, it was just a thought I’ve had for a while and wanted to know your opinion.”

“Ugh, you really are the best.” You stood on your tiptoes and kissed him goodbye, waving at him once you fasten your seatbelt and started the engine. 

 

_ The whole group was totally hammered the day you introduced Jake to them, walking hand in hand to Bucky, Sammy and Stevie’s apartment. Friday nights were the group’s night, all of you meeting at the same place and doing the same stuff. But every night felt different, it felt like a new beginning.  _

_ Everyone adored Jake, him and Bucky miraculously hitting it off immediately and they all turned into besties. Nat elbowed you, her drunken state obvious, and leaned in to whisper in your ear.  _

_ “Is he...is it him?” You felt a bit of sadness in the tone of her voice but you shrugged it off, probably it was the buzz already clouding your mind. You shook your head but smiled.  _

_ “No, at least not yet!” You said animatedly, totally missing Nat’s change of expression. A hopeful smile crossing her face.  _

 

“Are you planning on moving out? Because I really love your apartment and it would be a pity to miss the opportunity to live there…”

“Nat, focus please.”

“Hey, all I’m trying to say is that you maybe should, you practically live together.” You shrugged agreeing with her because she was right. It was the right thing to do, after all, you really did practically live together. 

After months of planning and discussing, you decided to move into Jake’s apartment. It was closer to campus and it was way much bigger than yours. 

A strong knock at your door startled you, loud voices echoing in your half empty apartment. You’d been packing for almost three weeks, every day you had to fight with yourself to pack at least a box or two. Everything in there had a memory attached, every corner, every window, everything. You looked at your friends, and smiled widely, they were the comfort you needed right now. 

“If you don’t want to go, why are you doing it?” Sam handed you a beer while he sat on the floor next to you, both of you looking at your friends. 

“I don’t know Sammy, it was the right thing to do.” You frowned when you saw Steve and Bucky fighting in the kitchen because it was something rare to witness. Usually it was Nat fighting with Bucky or with Steve, but never them. Nat was sitting on the windowsill talking to Peggy, who was sitting down on the fire escape, both of them laughing lightly, like they had no cares in the world. 

“...so are you?” You looked back at Sam and frowned, not knowing what he meant at all. 

“I zoned out, what were you saying?” 

“I was telling you that Bucky finally opened his piano academy, and the inauguration is on Sunday. So I was asking you if you were planning on coming at all.” You glanced at Bucky and caught a glimpse of red on his left arm, and you were certain that he had never mentioned that he had a tattoo. 

“Yes, I’m going. Jake told me that he wanted to support him and that he wanted me to go as well, so yes.” 

“Where is he?”

“He had to leave to Chicago for a few days, there’s a seminar for school teachers and he had to attend.” Sam hummed and stood up, patting Steve’s shoulder and grabbing another beer from the fridge. 

You scanned the whole room again, sighing nostalgically. You were really going to miss your apartment but you were never gonna miss your real home, and that wasn’t a roof and four walls. 


	4. Chapter 4

Everybody thought it was the right thing to move in with your boyfriend, you forced yourself to think it was the right thing to do as well, but deep down, you knew it was not right for you. Study, find a job, move in, get married, have kids...that was just not for you. Jake wanted all those things and you totally understood why, everyone at some point in their lives wants to settle down, to have a family of their own. Kids, dogs, cats or even just the two or three of them, but you needed more from life. You were never a conformist, you needed adventure, freedom, independence and unfortunately, a family could not give you that. As much as you loved Jake, you loved your independence more, you loved having your own safe place, to be alone when you needed to. 

Nat understood this more than anyone, she knew what you were feeling and why you were so reluctant to leave your apartment behind. It was not because of Jake, it was because of you. 

“Babe, just talk to him. I’m sure he will totally understand you and will do whatever is in his hand to make you happy.” You sighed and sat on your office chair, Nat closing the door behind her.

“That’s the thing, he is always thinking about me and what makes me happy, but I just can’t seem to make one decision to make  _ him  _ happy.” Nat shook her head and opened her mouth, but she must’ve changed her mind because she just sat on the couch and pinched the bridge of her nose. You opened your laptop and proceeded to check your mail, huffing in annoyance at the last one you got.

“Listen, I hate these kids. They had five months to submit an essay and they want me to change the deadline because they didn’t have time enough to do it.” You typed aggressively an answer and sent it, telling the student to fuck off but in a polite way, of course. You opened your first drawer and took out your journal, staring sadly at the day you had to leave your apartment in a week. 

“If you are looking at what I believe is  _ that  _ date, please do yourself a favor and talk to Jake, or you will regret this decision.” You nodded and closed the journal, taking out your phone and realizing you had three missing calls from Jake and two messages.

“He said he needs to talk about something urgent, so I’m gonna call him and talk to him about this as well.” You looked at Nat, fear evident in your expression. She stood up and kissed the top of your head, rubbing your back with her hand. 

“It’s gonna be okay, call me when you are done.” You nodded and side hugged her, bringing you a little comfort. 

Once she left you on your own, you breathed in and out a couple of times and dialed his number, picking at your nails nervously.

 

_ “Y/n, don’t worry, I’m just meeting your friends, there’s no need for you to be so nervous.” Jake added soothingly, his deep tone of voice calming you. You nodded and knocked on they guys’ apartment. You’d met them only four months ago but after seeing them everyday, not Bucky though since he studied Piano in Julliard and his classes were on a different schedule, but you were happy about it, because he had hated you since day one.  _

_ Nat never told you the reason they broke up but by the way they all acted lead you to believe that he had hurted her, and no one never told you otherwise. That was the reason of your hatred but you never knew his. _

_ As always, your worries were unfounded cause everyone loved him. _

 

“Hello? Peaches, you there?” Jake asked on the other end. You nodded but realized how stupid you looked cause he couldn’t see you.

“Sorry, I zoned out. What happened?” You knew he could sense the worry in your voice, how shaky it was. He told you to calm down and started explaining how the seminar went, how happy they all were with his work. You congratulated him and let him know how happy and proud you were of him. After a few sweet words were exchanged, the vibe he was giving you changed, a more serious one replacing the tenderness. He asked you if you could facetime with him, and your stomach flipped, suddenly you felt nauseous. What if he had found his soulmate? What if he wanted to leave you? Once you saw his face, you felt tears rolling down your cheeks, the look in your eyes matching his own.

“Y/n, this is going to be hard for the both of us, and I want you to think about what I’m about to tell you and speak about it tonight when I get home.” You nodded, wiping away the tears because you couldn’t see him properly. You tried to smile but it never reached your eyes.

“I was offered a position in Chicago, as the principal of a prestigious school. I can’t say no, so what I’m asking you is if you would consider moving with me here.” You gasped and your eyes widening, all the pressure of the morning and the past few weeks catching up on you at that exact moment. You sobbed and tried to say coherent words, but nothing came out.

“Peaches, please, we will talk about this tonight. I don’t want to pressure you, I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to, so please think about it.” You nodded, incapable of forming words. Before hanging up, he told you he loved you and that whatever you chose to do wouldn’t change that. 

You spent the rest of the day clustered in your office, cancelling a few lectures because you weren’t able to stop crying. 800 miles away from you, Jake couldn’t stop crying either. He knew what was going to happen, he knew it was inevitable. Since the beginning he knew that fate would pull you apart, because you weren’t meant to be, as much as you both wanted to, you couldn’t fight fate. Since the beginning, you both wanted and needed different things, and the fact that after 7 years your tattoos hadn’t appeared was a clear sign that eventually this moment would come. He loved you too much to see you hurting, and he knew that the moment he had asked you to move in you were doing it for him. You couldn’t leave everything behind for him. Jake had no doubts of your love, never, but he knew you too well. So he prepared himself mentally and physically for what was to come, but when he got to your apartment at night, the sight in front of him totally shattered his heart. 

You had made up your mind, and were unpacking your boxes, loud sobs escaping your trembling body. He knew this was the best decision for the both of you, but also the most painful one.

You felt a soothing hand touching your back, so you turned around and cried on Jake’s chest, all the pain and grief hitting you even harder now that he was holding you.

He sat on the floor, cradling you against his chest, whispering soft reassuring words to you. All you could say was how sorry you were and how much you loved him. Once you could stop crying, you held his face and pressed your lips to his. He pulled apart first gasping for air and pressed his forehead to yours, wiping away your tears with his thumbs. You kissed his eyelids first, and peppered kisses all over his face, descending to his neck.

“Y/n, are you sure of this?” He asked you when you pressed his body to the floor. You nodded at him.

“Please, I need to have this one last time.” You pleaded him and he knew this was it, he knew you two had avoided fate for too long, the clock ticking. You spent a long time caressing each part of your bodies, even though you knew them by heart, but you didn’t want to forget this, ever. You laughed, cried and loved together for a long time, and this was the moment you were both dreading. The ending of something that shouldn’t end. 

You stood at the door of your apartment, watching him go was the hardest thing you had ever witnessed, but what came after was even worse.

“I hope you get all you want in life. I hope you discover everything that life has to offer you. I hope you find him.” And like that, he left you. Broken, empty.

You grabbed a bottle of Vodka and sat on the floor, unpacking the boxes and wiping your tears angrily. You took out of a box a frame with a photo of Jake and you laughing at the camera, both of your eyes fixed on the other, full of love and adoration. You clutched the frame tightly to your chest, crying loudly and drinking from the bottle, the burning liquid making you feel even more miserable. 


	5. Chapter 5

You tried to numb the pain of Jake’s departure as best as you could. You didn’t go to work for the three following days, staying at home unpacking, drinking and crying. You knew you had to get your shit together but it was just so hard to even breathe...You missed all your friends’ calls so when Nat appeared at your front door almost knocking it down, you knew you had to do something with and for yourself. You got up from the couch and opened the door, Natasha’s glare softening as soon as she saw you.

“Oh my God, Y/n…” She started but as soon as she saw the glossy look in your eyes, she pulled you into a hug. She closed the door with a kick and sat you both on the floor, holding your trembling body, cradling you in her arms.

“When was the last time you showered?” Nat asked after ten minutes or so. You sniffed and shrugged. She huffed and stood up, stretching out her hand for you to take it, she helped you stand up and lead you to the bathroom. She sat you on the toilet and went to your room to grab clothes and a clean towel. She helped you undress and sat you on the bathtub, the hot water soothing the coldness on your skin. While you washed your body, she washed your hair, massaging your scalp with her nails. She was humming a foreign lullaby, her sweet voice and her movements making your whole body relax.

Natasha helped you stand up and wrapped your body on a towel, rubbing your arms up and down to dry your skin.

“I’ll go make some tea while you get dressed.” You nodded and did what she told you. You looked at yourself in the mirror and were horrified at the sight. You had terrible eye bags due to the lack of sleep, your eyes were red and puffy because you hadn’t been able to stop crying until the last hour, and that was because of Nat. You brushed your teeth, grabbed your hair brush and walked to the kitchen. You almost started to cry again when you saw Nat cleaning up your shitty apartment, gathering all the take out boxes, empty bottles of Vodka, beer and empty cigarette packs. You gulped and tried to speak without your voice breaking.

“Nat...why are we dressed so fancy?” Your voice was hoarse, probably cause of the lack of use and the loud sobs. You looked at her clothes and then at yours, frowning. She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, leaning against the kitchen counter and crossing her arms.

“You don’t know what day is it today right?” You shook your head and before you could even ask, she held her phone on your face.

“It’s Sunday. It’s Buck’s inauguration party. I know you can’t stand him but you need to get out of this shit hole.” You nodded, knowing there was no room for arguing, she was right after all. You needed to move on, you needed to live. For 7 years, you’d been so focused on your soulmate tattoos that you forgot that maybe this would end, because as much as you lied to yourself, you knew he was not the one fate had paired you with. But fate knew shit about you two. Nat helped you fix your hair and applied some makeup to make you look fresher.

“Get your stuff, Sammy is waiting outside. And don’t forget to get your stuff for work, you stay at my place tonight.” You nodded and went to get your case, your laptop and fresh clothes.

“Nat, do you still have my pajamas and my toothbrush at home?” She shouted a yes, so you gathered everything you needed and closed your bedroom door, the smell of Jake still lingering in the air. You sighed and made a mental note to change the bedsheets and clean the whole apartment.

“Wow ladies, you look poppin’ tonight. I’m so happy to be your friend right now.” Sam said as soon as you seated on the car. He looked at you through the rear view mirror and winked at you, making you giggle. Sam was like a breath of fresh air, being with him was easy and he made you laugh, even when you felt like you wanted to cry your eyes out.

“Sammy, how is work going?” He started talking about a trip his whole team was doing, apparently it was something marketing agencies did with their workers so Sammy planned a whole trip. They would be away from the city for four days and Steve and Peggy were joining him, since they were on vacation. They opened an antiquities shop a few years ago and they could afford to close for a few days. Nat started talking about some seminar she was doing the whole week in Washington D.C.

“So you guys are all going away this week?” You asked in a sad tone of voice even though you tried to sound excited. Nat nodded and asked you if you wanted to go with her.

“As much as I would love to, I have a shitton of work to do. But you can tell me all about it when you are back!”

“Hey, Buck is staying here, so you won’t be totally alone…” You rolled your eyes at Sam’s comment and let out an ironic “yeah, sure”.

Once you got to the academy, you were speechless. The place was beautiful, it had a victorian vibe and the whole aesthetic was pleasing as fuck, but what surprised you more was the crazy amount of people that attended. But of course, your hatred couldn’t let you see more than you liked to. Most of the people there were unknown to you, so you tried to blend in and make small talk with the ones you knew.

Tony and Pepper, who were in their senior year when you entered college, were telling you about their secret wedding in the Caribbean. You glanced at their wrists and saw their soulmate tattoos and smiled sadly, excusing yourself to go to the bathroom.

You found funny the fact that it was Bucky’s event but he was nowhere to be seen, and so was Natasha and Steve, but you just ignored it and went to look for Sam. You hugged him from behind and he placed his hands on top of yours, squeezing them tightly in order to give you the comfort he knew you were looking for.

“Where is Nat?” You asked Sam once he let go of your hands and turned around to face you.

“She’s helping Buck practice his play I think, I guess it won’t take her much longer.” You nodded and leaned your head in his chest and after a few minutes, you told Sam you were gonna look for her, so you moved through the crowd. You heard noises from one room and when you reached, the door was ajar so you could see Nat and Bucky fighting over something.

“I don’t give a fuck about what is going on, I don’t want to talk to you about this again.” You were about to step in the room but they kept talking in whispers.

“Okay, but the song?” You missed Bucky’s answer and heard steps approaching, so you took that as your cue to leave. You didn’t mean to eavesdrop on your friend, but you were furious at the way Bucky spoke to Nat. He was such a jerk to her in the past and apparently it just kept going on.

Nat toasted for Bucky, saying how proud she was of him and how far he had come, finally opening the academy after years of saving and hard work.

Bucky sat on the piano bench and placed the sheets in the music rack, he opened the fall board and caressed the keyboard. The melody was unlike anything you’d ever heard. It had a melancholic tone, something about it made you long for things unknown to you, but at the same time, it felt like a comforting caress. Your eyes widened as soon as you heard Bucky’s voice singing, and everything just seemed way more sadder and melancholic. The lyrics were hauntingly beautiful, talking about a dark love, a love that could’ve happened but wasn’t meant to be, or maybe it was.

You were staring at Bucky in awe, something about his whole aura changing for a moment, but the spell was broken as soon as his eyes met yours, the cold look in his eyes back.

You spent the rest of the night thinking about the song, wishing to understand why it made you feel the way it did, and why did it made you feel like you had a hole in your chest?

[Bucky’s song ](https://m.soundcloud.com/symlmusic/wheres-my-love)

 


	6. Chapter 6

_ Nat paced the room, frustrated with herself and with Bucky, who was too focused on his play that totally zoned her out.  _

_ “Dude are you even listening to me? She is fucking devastated. I’ll need you to be there for her, just in case.” Nat glared at her friend, the indifference he treated you with always got the best of her. Bucky looked up, tearing his eyes from his music sheet to look at her.  _

_ “I don’t give a fuck about what is going on, I don’t want to talk to you about this again.” His gaze softened as soon as he saw the concern in Nat’s eyes.  _

_ “Please, Buck. Do it for me at least.” She pleaded, and he nodded for the sake of her friend.  _

_ “I’ll try my best.”  _

_ “Why do you still hate her so much? It was n-” _

_ “Tash, don’t.” Bucky cut her, already knowing where the conversation was leading and he didn’t need to have that talk now. He looked at his left arm, the two red triangles bringing a smile to his lips. _

_ “I miss us sometimes, you know?” Nat pressed her thumb on his tattoo and caressed his skin. He looked at her, his eyes full of adoration and respect. _

_ “I know you do, Tash.” Bucky caressed Nat’s left shoulder, where the red star he drew for her was tattooed.  _

_ “These tattoos are probably the best decision we ever made.” Bucky smiled and she took the music sheet from his hands. _

_ “Okay, but the song?” She smirked and he rolled his eyes, fighting his smile with no avail. _

_ “You know what? I’m done here. Won’t answer more questions.” Natasha knew Bucky’s behaviour was his way of eating his own feelings, the nervousness and anxiety of the night finally catching him in the worst moment ever. _

 

You stared at the rainy street through the large windows of your office, the grey clouds threatening to cover the last rays of sun of the cold Friday afternoon. You sighed sadly and turned to look at your desk, the photo you had of your group and Jake, staring back at you. You and Jake were both laughing at something Sammy had said about the snow, while Bucky and Steve were rolling their eyes, Nat was next to Sam staring at you smiling fondly. It was the first Christmas you spent together in sophomore year, the year you all met. It seemed so far away, almost nine years had passed without even realizing it. Five years being a teacher, and even though you loved your job, you still felt like it wasn’t the right place for you. You had so many dreams when you started college, so many things you wanted to do and everything was forgotten once you got the job. 

The whole week, you had drowned yourself on delayed work, papers to note and exams to prepare. You arrived home so tired each night you couldn’t even bring yourself to have dinner or a soothing and calming shower, so when you got home on Friday, everything sunk in. The steaming bathroom and the sound of the burning water hitting your skin was everything your mind needed to start playing tricks, the sleep deprivation and hunger making it much harder for you to not have a breakdown. 

 

_ His laugh echoed on your small bathroom, making you giggle uncontrollably. Jake was tickling you in order to coax you into the shower with him, of course he won so you ended up under the water, clothes included. _

 

You wrapped your body in a towel, shivering as you walked out of the warmness of the bathroom and into your room. Even though you had changed your bed sheets and tried a few incenses, Jake’s scent was still lingering. You sat on the carpeted floor and brought your legs up, resting your chin on your knees. You hugged yourself while you sobbed, totally forgetting you were naked and cold. You stayed like that so long your body started to ache, so you stood up and grabbed your phone, instantly dialing Nat. She was the only you could call since Sam, Steve and Peggy couldn’t be on their phones during the trip due to some dumb rules of team bonding or whatever. 

Nat wasn’t answering and after trying to call desperately several times, you gave up. Your fingers grazed upon Bucky’s name, unsure of what you were supposed to do. Nat had told you that you could call him if you needed someone to talk to if she wasn’t available, but you knew calling him was digging your own grave. Years of hostility, hatred, fights and glares wouldn’t be that easier to forget and much less in the mental state you were at.

 

_ “Y/n, this is Bucky, my boyfriend. Buck, this is Y/n, my new bestie.” You smiled at Nat’s boyfriend and stretched your hand so he could shake it, but he just glared at it before looking at you and turning around, leaving you frozen on your spot. Your hand dropped to your side and you frowned, looking at Nat, waiting for an explanation. She shrugged and added that maybe he had had a bad day, turning around and going after him. That was the first and only time you ever spoke to him nicely.  _

_ Next time you saw each other, he was already Nat’s ex, and after asking her insistently what had happened, she told you that they just fell apart. Seeing how devastated she was, how Bucky behaved around her and how big of a jerk he was to you, you put two and two together and came to the conclusion that he had broken her heart. Your hatred only worsened with his snarky comments, glares and just his complete and utter childish behaviour. While in college, you barely saw each other due to work and lectures and since he went to Julliard and not the NYU, you didn’t coincide at all. You barely attended parties or gatherings he went to, fortunately he tried to avoid you as much. _

 

You stared blankly at the locked screen and with a heavy heart, you unlocked it and pressed on his number to call him. You silently hoped he would forget for a bit all the animosity, because you really needed company, the walls of your apartment making you feel trapped.

 

“Hello?” You said with a shaky voice, swallowing a sob, trying to sound decent. 

“Who’s this?” Bucky answered in a tone you’ve never heard on him before. He sounded so  _ sweet _ , it didn’t even sound real. You were so used to his growls and monotone voice that his answer just caught you off guard.

“I’m...It’s Y/n.” You cleared your throat before speaking, trying not to cry. He huffed in annoyance and you felt his entire demeanor change as soon as he knew who it was.

“What?” He let out, more a grunt than a word. You inhaled and exhaled a few times before speaking.

“I know I’m probably the last person on earth you wanna see right now…” He hummed affirming what you just said, but waited for you to finish what you wanted to say, even though he already knew.

“But I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind to meet?” He puffed, clearly annoyed and mumbled something you couldn’t catch. You heard him talking to someone and a feminine giggle reached your ears. You instantly felt bad for calling but as soon as he answered, all you wanted to do was murder him.

“I don’t know who you think you are, expecting us all to stop our lives just because you are sad.” And like that, he hanged up. You were speechless, his words hitting you harder than a punch. He was right and that’s what hurt the most. You’d just let your own sadness to eat you alive and waited for the rest to save you, not even sparring a second of your time to do it yourself. 

You dragged your tired body through your apartment, getting dressed with something warm and cozy, taking your keys and leaving. You needed to clear your head, you needed to have a better headspace. A healthier one. Your phone was constantly buzzing, Bucky’s name staring back at you. You did not need to hear his voice right now, all you needed was the cold breeze of the night and the swings of the park that was next to your building, the rest could wait.


	7. Chapter 7

_ A soulmate is someone you carry with you since the day you meet until the day you die. It can be a friend, a lover, a stranger or even your greatest enemy. A soulmate is someone who impacts your life in such a way that you are never the same again. _

_ Bucky felt something click inside him as soon as he saw you, a strong feeling of familiarity and calmness washing over him. He knew what it meant the moment you looked at him smiling and extended your hand. In a split second, he realized that Natasha wasn’t his soulmate and instead, it was a total stranger in love with someone else. He glared at you, turned around and left the room. When Nat entered the room, she found her boyfriend sitting on the floor, his arms wrapped around himself and clearly crying. She approached him and sat next to him, pressing her hand on his back, running it up and down his spine soothingly. _

_ “Babe, what’s going on?” She asked, clearly concerned because she had never seen Bucky so upset since that time in high school when he got rejected for a piano play at the school’s auditorium. _

_ “It’s her, Tash, it will never be you. It’s her.” Nat’s eyes widened at the statement letting a loud gasp, a deep sadness setting on her chest. Destiny had played with them all, making them think they could be that happy without consequences.  _

_ They both cried in silence, holding each other like their lives depended on it. This was the end, they both knew it.  _

_ Once you find your soulmate, all romantic feelings towards any different person are completely forgotten, so there’s only room for your soulmate. The date of the first meeting is etched into the skin, a strong reminder of the lifetime you have yet to spend together.  _

_ “What are we gonna do, Tash?” Bucky asked between sobs, his fear evident in his broken tone. Nat looked at him, a strong sadness lingering on her green eyes. _

_ “We know how this works. You found her, so I have to let go of you. This won’t work and it will only be worse when you tell her.” Bucky started shaking his head, the reality of the situation hitting him.  _

_ He had tried to tell you, he had tried with all his heart, but when he saw you with Jake, he knew he had to spare the two of you the pain Nat and him were going through.  _

_ “I just saw his soul and he saw mine.” Those were Peggy’s words describing the feeling they both felt, so he thought that if he let you hate him, you wouldn’t see him. Everyone, even Jake, tried to talk some sense to him, encouraged him to talk to you, but after endless fights and tears, everyone just dropped the topic. And just like that, years went by, his feelings buried only allowing his fake hatred towards you, putting the blame of Nat and his break up on you, even though it was wrong and childish. _

 

Bucky kicked his date, Dot, out of his apartment and started calling you. He had crossed a line he thought he would never cross, and he knew he would never forget himself for what he had said. He understood better than anyone what you were going through and denying you that help just to fuck was way too evil, even for him. Bucky rushed out of his apartment, dialing your number once more but to no avail. He sighed, knowing what would await when Tasha found out, but he pressed call anyway.

“Hello?”

“Hello, pal. I know it’s late but I...I fucked up with Y/n and I can’t contact her.” Bucky heard a sigh on the other end of the phone and he hit himself mentally for causing such a big drama just because he felt like being a massive jerk at 1 am. Bucky explained to Jake what had happened and after a long lecture directed straight to him, he discovered where you could be.

“If I do this, there’s no turning back, Jake.” He knew the warning would fall on deaf ears, but he needed to make sure his friend was okay with all of this.

“Buck, we’ve all been waiting for this moment since the day you saw her. I think it’s finally her time to see you.” 

-

You were sitting on the swing, swaying slightly to the soothing and sad tones of your playlist. Song after song, you realized more and more things about your life. You weren’t happy working as a teacher, you stopped reading and writing just to dedicate your life to a job that just paid the bills. You had to fix a lot of things in your life, and you knew that moping around and pitying yourself wouldn't get you anywhere. The bone-wrenching cold air of the night made you shiver, but before you could even blink someone put a blanket around your shoulders, scaring the living shit out of you. You jumped off the swing with a loud shriek and turned to face whoever approached you in such a way.

“What the actual fuck?” Bucky was standing in front of you, his hands up in surrender and a genuine concerned expression. You glared at him but wrapped yourself with the blanket a bit more. 

“We need to talk” Your eyebrows shot up incredulously and you repressed a snarky laugh. “Please, I know I don’t deserve it, but let me apologize. For everything.” You frowned but nodded, sitting down on the swing again, waiting for him to talk. Bucky sat on the swing next to yours, looking forward, trying to avoid eye contact at all costs. You could sense something was off by the way Bucky carried himself. He even seemed...defeated.

“Why now?” You sounded pissed and you actually couldn’t care less. Yes, you had been as hateful as him, but you would never deny your help.

“Because I went too far. I said something I don’t even mean and because I’ve been where you are.” You tried to answer but he held his hand up, stopping you.

“We had a rough start because of me, because I saw you as a potential threat because they all talked about you so highly, I was scared of losing them…” You scoffed but when he looked at you with tears in his eyes, your expression softened. You’d been waiting for this moment since the day you’ve met, waiting to know why he despised you so much.

“And then Tash happened and I just couldn’t...I just couldn’t stand you.” Bucky tried to make sense, he tried to tell you as much of the truth as he could. He wasn’t ready to tell you and he really wanted to apologize to you because of the way he had acted, not because he was trying to make you fall in love with him miraculously. He couldn’t and wouldn’t do that to you. He felt terribly bad for hiding the truth and he knew you deserved to know, but he just couldn’t.

“What happened with Tash? You broke up with her, didn’t you?” The aggressiveness in your tone was evident, and Bucky knew they all let her believe it was him who ended it all. He shook his head.

“I..I think that’s...that’s something you should talk with Tash.” Bucky struggled to say the whole sentence without stuttering that much, covering his mouth to stop his crying.  _ Amazing, Barnes. _ He rolled his eyes at himself.

You apologized, seeing that the reason why you hated him wasn’t even a plausible reason anymore. He extended his hand for you to shake it.

“Nice to meet you, Bucky. It took us almost nine years to get our shit together.” You smiled at him, a sudden warmth spreading through your chest. You frowned but ignored it, you had a long day and a much longer night.

“Nice to meet you too, darlin’. Finally we get to see each other for who we really are.” He smiled back at you, shaking your hand firmly.

“Two assholes?” You laughed and he joined you, nodding at you. Bucky felt like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders, the burden of this hateful and poisonous relationship finally gone. Everything with you felt natural and he hated himself for having missed all these years but he couldn’t do that to Jake nor to you. As him and Nat had learned, destiny always had its ways and sooner or later, something had to come between you and Jake. 


	8. Chapter 8

“Do you expect her to forgive us all just because she found her soulmate?” Nat told Bucky, more concerned about you than she was about her friend.

“This is all my fault and I just dragged you all into this mess, whenever she is ready, I’ll explain everything.”

“What do you mean with that? You didn’t tell her?” Nat stared at Bucky wide eyed, panic evident in her eyes. Bucky shook his head sadly and before he could say something, Nat cut him off.

“James Buchanan Barnes, you are telling me she doesn’t know  _ anything _ ? It’s been days since the night you spoke to her, what are you waiting for?” She paced the room, wondering how they could tell you the truth without hurting your feelings immensely. Your entire group, even Jake, knew about Bucky being your soulmate, but they were all forced to keep it a secret for your own good, or at least that’s what Bucky thought it was best for you.

“This has been going on for too long, if you don’t tell her tonight, I will. I can’t keep lying to her face.”

“I will, I just...I don’t know how she will take it, Tash.” 

 

_ Everyone was telling Bucky what to do and what to feel, how to carry the burden of an unrequired soulmate and as much as he wanted to tell you, every time he made up his mind after seeing you smile at Jake. How could he break his friends heart just as much as it broke Nat’s?  _

_ It was something heavy to carry and every time he overheard you talking about Jake and you being soulmates...he just couldn’t. He knew you deserved to know the truth and forcing the group to keep it quiet was the most stupid thing he had ever asked for, but as years went by, everything just got messier.  _

_ “Buck, this has been going on for far too long, you gotta tell her, you need to.” Steve cornered him in your kitchen the night they all came to help you pack your apartment.  _

_ “Steve don’t fucking start, she is living her life and she is doing good without me. Why would I tell her now?” Bucky muttered angrily, the words coming out harsher than he intended to.  _

_ “Can’t you see how miserable this whole situation is making her? Just look at her for fucks sake.” Steve pointed at you slyly and when Bucky turned his head towards you, his heart ached. You were about to cry, your eyes clearly puffy and tired probably from crying and the lack of sleep. You were talking with Sam, and even though you were trying to hide what you were feeling, your smile never reached your eyes like it used to.  _

_ “I can’t do this to Jake, and you know it.”  _

_ “You’ve been saying the same shit for over nine years Buck, I think you should look for a better excuse…” Bucky huffed heavily and felt your gaze across the room, so he just looked at his best friend and nodded.  _

_ “I’ll find the right moment to tell her, okay?” _

 

“Now it’s not the time to wonder how she will take it because we all know how this is gonna unfold, but it’s the time to tell her the fucking truth.”

 

-

Even though nothing had changed, everything felt different, you felt a bit different. That consuming pain you felt every time you looked at Jake’s photos had disappeared and had been replaced by nostalgic sighs and adoringly smiles. 

The uncertainty was still there, the feeling of something missing, the feeling you knew it would never disappear as long as you stayed at your energy consuming job. 

You dropped your tired body in your chair, finally enjoying the quietness of your office. You had a huge stack of exams to correct and at least twenty emails from students to reply to. You were waiting for Nat’s text to pop up so she could drag you out of the office to take you to the bar like she did every Friday night, but she never texted. You unlocked your phone to text her but Bucky’s reply to your text popped up first. After that night in the park, you’d been texting each other for weeks, getting to know the other a bit more since you really knew shit about him even though you’d known him for years.

 

(screenshot)

 

You smiled at his last text and locked your phone again, your heart racing at the thought of spending the night with Bucky alone, since it was probably the first time ever you’d be meeting as friends. Almost twenty minutes later, Bucky was waiting for you in his car. You packed all your stuff as fast as you could and got to the parking lot, an apology ready because you made him wait. As soon as you got to the car and opened the door, all the words left your brain. He had bought two pizzas from your favorite place and cold beers, a huge smile was plastered on his lips when he noticed your sweet smile and your sparkling eyes. 

“If you don’t get in the car, they will warm up and beer sucks when it’s not cold.” You nodded in agreement while you dropped your stuff on the backseat and sat next to Bucky. He looked at you, his heart aching at the thought of all he had done wrong to you. 

The ride home was silent, not because you didn’t wanna talk but because none of you had the need to fill the silence with empty words or small talk. You both knew how the day went for the other because you never stopped talking. 

In just a few weeks, Bucky became a very special person in your life, and you wondered how you could’ve been so blind and oblivious, how you missed all the sweetness and kindness that was inside him. The only time you caught a glimpse of that side of him was during his play at the opening of the academy, a moment you haven’t been able to forget, a strange feeling that still lingers in you. 

While having dinner, Bucky was talking about Nat’s idea to start ballet lessons in the academy since she’d been a dancer her whole life. She always had early lectures at the University so she could do both jobs, and they parents had actually demanded those lessons when they discovered Bucky was friends with Natasha Romanoff.

“Do you think she is unhappy teaching Art?” You asked him, trying to have some opinions because Nat was sometimes like a closed book.

“No, she loves it, but she needs something else. She’s never been a conformist so maybe this will help her.” He took a bite of his portion of pizza and smiled at you with his cheeks stuffed, making you giggle. He then swallowed and his whole expression changed, a more serious aura enveloping him. 

“Are you happy?” Your eyes widened at the unexpected question, almost making you choke with your own spit. You took a sip of your beer and looked at him, a sad glance telling Bucky all he wanted to know. You shook your head softly and shrugged.

“I mean, I should be. But I guess this is all I’ve got.” Bucky started shaking his head disapprovingly, frowning deeply at something he was thinking probably.

“You deserve so much more, Y/n. You deserve a life full of joy and happiness. Darlin’, you deserve the whole fucking world.” You smiled but it never reached your eyes and Bucky noticed. He sighed deeply and gulped, taking your hand in his, caressing the back of it with his thumb.

“You also deserve to know the truth.” It was now your time to frown, wondering what he meant. He let go of your hand and turned around slightly, showing you his back. He pulled his shirt up to show a little tattoo he had on his shoulder blade. 

“What is this, Buck?” You graced your fingertips on the white numbers, the date seeming familiar. 17th of October, 2010. Why did it seem so familiar? 

Bucky moved to his initial position to look at you again, his glossy eyes and reddish cheeks indicating that something wasn’t going well. He wiped a silent tear that fell from his eye, a wave of sadness washing over you, confusing you even more. You frowned and huffed, frustrated with yourself for the odd feelings you were having.

“Bucky, what’s wrong?” Your concern could be noted on your trembling voice, and Bucky’s heart broke, because he knew there was no going back after he opened the mouth.

“That’s the date I first saw you, the day I found my soulmate.”


	9. chapter 9

“Are my feelings just a big joke to you?” You had tears in your eyes, afraid to really believe what he was saying, because that meant he knew you were soulmates since the moment you both met.

Bucky looked at you, the hot tears were streaming down his face and a pang of unknown sadness hit you. You frowned at him, but understood immediately what was going on. It wasn’t your sadness, it was his.

“I wish I could free you from this, I wish it worked but it didn’t. I couldn’t stop the inevitable…” you stared at him confused, nothing he was saying made sense and both of your feelings were clouding your mind. 

“What the fuck do you mean, James? You’ve been a complete asshole since the fucking beginning and you are telling me now that I am your soulmate?” He nodded, and before you could start speaking again, he asked if he could explain everything from the beginning. 

He explained how he felt the first time he saw you, and how it affected him, how it affected Nat. That meant she had known as well, she knew it and kept it a secret for all those years. You gulped, swallowing the knot in your throat.

“Nat knew?” He nodded sadly, making you realize a lot of things. “Did you break up with her for me?” 

“No, she took that decision for me. I know you must be furious right now, but please, don't hate them. This is all on me.” Your expression was like an open book to Bucky, your feelings flowing through him like a river. He knew what was going to happen after tonight, but he needed you to know, you deserved to know.

“Them? Who is them?” Everything started to make sense, all the comments, the questions, the advice. They all knew , they all kept it a secret from you. Why?

“Please, let me explain everything and hopefully, it will make sense.” You nodded and gestured him to go on, your anger and sadness evident. 

“Every time I saw you, every fucking time I  _ saw  _ you. You were the only one I could see in a room full of people, not even Natasha. The soulmate mark is more than just a tattoo, it means total and complete surrender to the other person, the rest of the world is forgotten.” You were looking at him shocked, because you knew what a soulmate was, but after his raw emotions were exposed, nothing made sense.

“I love Jake and I knew how much you two loved each other, I couldn’t let him or you suffer like Nat and I did. I knew it was not my call, but I did it and now there’s no turning back.”  

You sat silent for what felt like hours, trying to process everything that Bucky had said, but you had no words. You didn’t know how or what to feel, your brain only going back to Jake. 

“Did he know?”

“What do you mean?” Bucky frowned, he was desperate to know what you were feeling. 

“You fucking know what I mean, Barnes. Did Jake know?” His eyes widened, finally understanding why you were so silent, besides the shock of the situation. He nodded, your whole world crashing down at that exact moment. You breathed in and out a few times and stood up, Bucky staring at you confused. You walked towards the front door, opening it and staring at him, no expression in your eyes. 

“Get out of my house.” You barely heard yourself speak, but Bucky knew what you had said. He stood up and started to gather all the trash from the dinner, irritating you even more because he was acting too kind. 

“James, please get the fuck out of my house right now!” You raised your voice, startling Bucky. You were trying really hard to keep your emotions at bay, failing miserably when he approached the door, standing close to you. Before he could leave the apartment, you reached for his hand in an impulse, making him turn around to face you. 

“Don’t do that. Whenever you are ready, I’ll be here. I will be waiting for you.” He said before you could say what you wanted to. You felt terribly sorry for the situation even though you knew you had nothing to do with it, but feeling him so distressed and sad made you understand him a little bit more. What he did was wrong and all you wanted to do was scream at him, to hate him and to never see him again, but you couldn’t. You understood why he did what he did because deep down, you would’ve done the same, but now you needed time to process everything, to understand the situation and to think about it all. 

You caressed the back of his hand with your thumb and after a light reassuring squeeze, you let go of his hand and nodded at him. He knew what that meant, a promise that you were going to be okay, that this was not the end. 

You watched him leave knowing he was crying, feeling his pain mixed with your own in your chest. You closed the door and leaned against it, letting out a sigh that opened the dam. 

Your eyes were swollen and you had a terrible headache due to the amount of time you had spent crying yourself to sleep, not even knowing how you got to bed or what time it was. Outside it was still dark, so you checked the time on your phone, it was only quarter past midnight. You rubbed your eyes with your palms and instinctively marked the only phone number you knew by heart. 

“Hello?” A feminine voice asked and you felt bad for calling this late at night without a previous announcement. 

“Hey, is this Jake’s phone?” You asked unsure, maybe your mind tricked you and you had forgotten his number? Maybe he had changed it?

“Yes! You must be Y/n! I’m Samara.” She sounded sweet and enthusiastic, throwing you off even more. Who was she and how did she know you?

“Uhm, yes, that’s me.” You cleared your throat and asked her if you could possibly speak to him, her answer being a sweet “of course” and a few footsteps later, he was on the phone. 

“Hello?” You felt relieved to hear his voice again, you missed him so much you almost forgot why you were calling. 

“Jake, it’s me. How is everything? How are you?” You really wanted to ask him who Samara was, a pang of jealousy cursing through you. 

He started with how work was, how tiring but satisfactory it was to work in such a high position. He then began to explain what he usually did on the weekends with his coworkers, who had become friends in the short time he had been there. And finally, he told you about how he met a woman one morning while working out, both of them realizing they had found their soulmate. Even though you were tremendously happy for him, you couldn’t help the tears from falling, your voice cracking every time you spoke. 

“I am so so happy for you, you can’t even imagine. After all, we really couldn’t fight destiny.” You admitted to him sadly. He thanked you, but sighed. He knew why you called and gave you the time you needed to ask him the question you wanted to. 

“The sooner you let it out, the better, peaches.” You smiled and sniffed, your heart full of love for him, an extinguished love. 

“You knew all along...Why didn’t you say anything?”


	10. Chapter 10

Trains were your favorite way of travelling since forever, it gave you the amount of time and peace you needed to think things through. Chicago was almost 24 hours away by train, so that was a lot of thinking. 

_ “You knew all along...Why didn’t you say anything?” _

_ “Because I was selfish and I couldn’t bare the idea of losing you, but seeing what my acts have caused, I would’ve told you when I found out.”  _

Jake told you how he saw Bucky’s tattoo a year ago and how he acted when he asked about his soulmate. Bucky never intended to tell either of you but once Jake discovered it, everything changed. He asked Bucky for weeks who his soulmate was, trying to gather information because the date seemed familiar and after a lot of questions, Bucky broke down and confessed. It was the first and only time Jake had seen Bucky cry inconsolably, clinging to his shirt and shaking. He held him for hours until he couldn’t cry more, he kept shaking and mumbling apologies.

After that, Jake was furious because of the lies they told you but he understood, he still understood even though it was the wrong thing to do. Bucky wanted the best for you two, even if that meant losing you forever, his friend and his soulmate. 

You looked at your reflection in the window, the salty tears running down your cheeks, your eyes swollen from crying non stop for days. 

You gained the courage to speak to Nat and Sammy first, you needed desperately their support even after all. They showed up at your doorstep in less than 15 minutes and after a lot of explanations and apologies, they held you while the three of you cried. It was relieving to know they’d hated the lies and the secrets as much as you, and keeping all that from you was the hardest and worst thing they had ever done.

You explained them the long conversation you had with Jake and how happy you were for him and for Samara.

Then you contacted Stevie and Peggs, knowing that seeing them together now would hurt you deep, because you could’ve had that long ago. Steve told you that Bucky wanted to tell you and gained the courage to do so a lot of times, but he chickened when he saw you with Jake, he saw how happy you were and doubted you’d be with him, so he just ceased from trying. Peggy told you the crazy amount of fights Steve and Bucky had because of this and how it seemed like it would end their friendship sometimes. 

_ “The last fight really had an impact on both of them, they didn’t talk to each other until  Bucky’s opening of the academy…” _

That was the fight you witnessed at your apartment, that was why Steve looked so agitated and Bucky looked so...hurt.

Healing has always been easy for you, forgiving and forgetting, none of that was a problem but trusting them again was going to be harder. Trust was something you unfortunately gave everyone blindly and that, that was your biggest virtue and flaw. 

 

_ “If you need to escape, just get a train and come over.” _ Jake’s proposition ran through your head for days until you decided to get a ticket and leave without saying goodbye. A part of you knew that you were going to regret going to visit Jake and Samara, but the other part knew you needed closure and time away, so Chicago granted you all that. 

 

“She left? Is she okay?” Nat looked at Bucky and frowned, trying to guess who had called. 

“I know...I know I fucked up big...no, don’t say we. I was the one supposed to tell her when I found out...Jake...just...yes, I’ll let Tasha know.” Bucky picked on his nails, a nervous tic Nat hadn’t seen since their first date so many years ago. He sighed and covered his eyes with his left palm, rubbing his temples with his thumb and middle finger. Bucky nodded, letting out a shaky farewell and throwing the phone across the couch, landing next to Nat. 

“She went to visit him. Do you think that’s something good?” Do you think she will be able to forgive me, Bucky wanted to ask Natasha but instead he shook his head and stood up, getting his leather jacket, his phone and keys. 

“You want me to go with you?” She knew the answer before even asking the question, but she had to try at least. If she couldn’t help you, the least she could do was help Bucky, as stubborn as he was, he needed it. 

“No, I’m headed to the academy.” He approached Nat and held her face with his two hands, pressing his forehead to hers. “I know you are worried, but I’ll be fine, I just need time to think.” 

Nat nodded, her eyes closed, trying to etch this moment into her memory. She misses Bucky, she misses being loved by him and being able to love him, but that died a long time ago. Neither of them talk about it anymore, but their tattoos are the reminder of what they had and the strong connection they still have after all they’ve been through. 

“Tash…” She breathed in and pulled back, smiling sadly at his best friend. 

“I’m sorry, I just…” Bucky kissed her at the top of her head, running his fingers through her red hair. 

“I know, Tash, I know.” She nodded, more to herself than to him. She would never say it out loud or even admit it to herself, but after all these years, her heart still ached for his. 

“I’ll call you later,  _ Я люблю тебя. _ ” Her smile reached her eyes this time, and Bucky knew they’d be just fine. 

“Me too, now get out before I kick you for making me sad.” He chuckled and left, the sound of his laughter still echoing in her chest. She sighed and grabbed her phone, typing a short message to you. 

_ Call me if you need me, clear your mind. We’ll be here waiting, always. Take your time to heal, I’m sorry. I love you. _

 

You smiled at Nat’s message, your heart growing heavy. You missed her already, you missed your best friend with your whole chest. You knew the second you read that message that you had forgiven her. 

You sighed deeply and got off the bus, you were ready to face the music. Once you reached the exit of the bus station, two strong familiar arms were embracing you, the familiar scent you had missed so much soothing all of your senses. 

“You fucking scared me, asshole.” You mumbled to his chest, a huge smile on your face and tears staining his grey shirt. 

“Hello to you too, peaches.” You held him tighter, not wanting this moment to slip away from you. After a few more minutes, you pulled back and looked at him. He looked like himself, but something about him seemed different, brighter. You grinned at him and looked behind him, frowning when you didn’t see anyone else. 

“Where is she?” 

“She told me that I needed to face you on my own, that I was a grown up.” Jake rolled his eyes but his lovestruck smile gave him out completely. 

“She’s perfect, huh? You always end up with the best.” You elbowed him when he nodded and shrugged his shoulders, smirking at you. 

“What can I say, I guess I have a type.”

“Okay loverboy, let’s go. I wanna meet this goddess already, I had enough of your pretty face.” On your way to his car, he held your hand in his, reality finally crashing on you. You felt nothing, all that emotions you felt whenever he held your hand were gone. All you had left were the memories. At that moment, you thought of Natasha, how hard it must have been for her to lose him like that, without a previous warning. 

“Why are you so silent?” Jake asked you, looking at you from the corner of his eye. You tried to open your mouth to speak, but suddenly all you could let out were sobs. Jake pulled over and held your hands in his, making you look at him. 

“Can I see it?” He nodded, letting go of your hands to pull up his right sleeve. You looked at his big green eyes, asking for permission. He got closer to you so you could stretch your hand to touch the tattoo. You caressed the thin lines with your thumb and smiled. 

“All these years waiting in vain.” You said sadly, contemplating the contrast of the white marks with his tanned skin. 

“They weren’t in vain, I wouldn’t trade the time I spent with you for anything in the world.”

“I haven’t seen mine yet, I can’t find the strength to look at it.” Before he could even think of an answer, you let out what was paining you the most. “I can’t believe it wasn’t you, I wanted you, no one else. And I’m sorry to admit this, but I’m glad that you all lied to me, it gave me time to be with you.”

“I know what I feel for Bucky, and that will never go away. But I’m glad he gifted us with all these years. The worst part is the disappointment, the truth. We were never meant to be, but I’m glad we were for a bit.”

“Y/n, I’m sorry I couldn’t be strong enough to tell you the truth, I really am.” You smiled at him, your heart finally lighter, softer. 

“I know, I know.” You cleaned the smudged mascara while Jake drove again. Now you were ready to face the future, ready to face the truth. 


	11. Chapter 11

“It’s been almost a week, what are you going to do?” Samara handed you a cup of hot coffee and sat next to you on the couch. For years, you made yourself believe you were happy, that you loved all the aspects of your life but now, you saw it as it was, a blatant lie.

You had amazing friends and an amazing relationship full of love and respect, but inside you, everything was slowly crumpling. You hated your job, you hated teaching and it was starting to show the last couple of months. You needed a change, you  _ wanted _ to change and after a long conversation with Samara, you knew what you had to do.

“You kicking me out?” You looked at her from the corner of your eyes and smirked, bringing the cup close to your mouth to take a sip.

“I’d ask you to move in before kicking you out, you know that.” You elbowed her jokingly and crossed your legs, getting comfortable for the talk you knew you were going to have.

“For starters, I’ll quit. I’m done teaching. I want to work in a museum.” You nodded to yourself, reassuringly. This was a good idea, it’s what you’d always wanted. “Then I’m probably going to lock myself up in my apartment cause I don’t wanna face Bucky…”

“Quitting your job is easier for you than facing some dude?” You clicked your tongue and rolled your eyes, everything seemed easier when speaking to Samara, but you knew it wasn’t.

“Mara, you know I haven’t even checked my tattoo yet, you really think it’s gonna be easy facing him?” She set her mug on the coffee table and stood up, stretching out her hand for you to take it. She lead the way to the guest room, where you were staying, and made you sit on the bed. She brought from the bathroom the full length mirror and placed it in front of you, forcing you to look at the reflection.

“Where is Bucky’s tattoo?” You gulped, afraid. You knew there was no turning back now, but at least you wouldn’t be completely alone.

“On his shoulder blade. The right one I think, I don’t remember quite well...” Yes, you did. You have that image burned into your memory, the softness of his skin and how it felt to touch the tattoo.

“Take your shirt off then and with this, whenever you are ready, search it.” She handed you a small mirror and squeezed your shoulder reassuringly. “I’ll be outside if you need me.”

You grabbed her wrist before she could turn to leave and with fearful eyes, you asked her to stay with you. Samara nodded and sat next to you, placing her hand on your back, tracing circles with her palm to soothe you.

“You can do this, Y/n. I’m here with you.” You nodded and lifted your shirt, trying to avoid looking at your body for too long. You turned around so your back was facing the mirror, and with trembling hands you lifted the small mirror and checked your back. 

“Oh God…” You gasped when you saw the white numbers, finally everything feeling real, palpable. You sized it up, trying to reach with your fingers to touch it, scared it would fade away.

“It’s real. Mara, it’s real.” You started to laugh nervously covering your mouth with your hands, but laughter turned fastly into quiet sobs, the tears blurring your vision. 

“Hey, hey. Come here, I’m here.” She hugged you, running her palms up and down your bare arms, calming you a bit. 

“What the fuck is going on?” You murmured to yourself, since your reaction seemed odd even to you. You wiped your tears angrily and straightened your back. You grabbed the mirror again and looked at the mark more focused on it. 

“The date is not the same.” You frowned and looked at Mara, who was as stunned as you with the revelation.

“What do you mean it’s not the same? It has to be.” You shook your head and said no repeatedly.

“His date is 17th of October, 2010. Mine is 8th of April, 2019.” Mara was telling you something, you knew because you saw her lips moving, but you couldn’t hear nor speak, you couldn’t even move. The thoughts running wild through your mind, clouding all your senses.

“I need to call him. I need to call him,  _ now _ .” You stood up and went to the living room to get your phone, the panic you were experiencing was evident when you moved.  

Jake looked at you and immediately knew something was off, and after trying and failing to get you to say what was wrong Mara explained it to him. You couldn’t find your phone anywhere around, so that gave Jake the time to think what to say to calm you.

“I need to call him, something’s wrong. I need to call him.” Jake stopped you to sit you on the couch, making breathing exercises with you.

“Easy there, peaches. You feeling better?” You nodded and rested your head on his chest. Samara left your shirt on your lap and went to prepare a linden infusion for you and also give Jake a chance to help you out.

“What am I supposed to do now?” You sniffed and put your shirt back on, wiping your tears and snot with your sleeve.  _ Gross, but who cares?  _ You said to yourself.

“Peaches, you are not supposed to do anything. You do what you want and feel like doing. Always.” Jake was always the heart of the relationship, leaving logic behind when it came to feelings but you just couldn’t. You needed to understand everything and have everything under control, and this was escaping you.

“What if he is not the one? That could explain the dates, right?” Jake could see the panic in your eyes, he knew you too well to know what was going on in your head.

“Y/n, stop trying to analyze logically this situation, because you won’t be able to.” You sighed and rubbed your eyes with the back of your hands, trying to stop the tears from falling. 

“The date of your tattoo, you remember that day?” You nodded and began to explain everything that happened, how you felt when Bucky spoke to you so differently, how it felt like seeing a completely different person for the first time.

“He is so different now, Jake. He is so soft, caring, he listens and he really really cares. You’d like him now.” Mara and Jake exchanged glances and he shook his head.

“He is always been like that, Y/n. You were just blinded. That’s the Bucky we all know and love. Since the beginning.”

“Okay, give me five minutes to recover from my own clownery, please.” You took the cup with the infusion and gave it a sip, grabbing your phone next to text Nat. 

 

_ Everything’s alright, got a lot to tell you. Be back very soon. Ily xx  _

 

“What he is trying to say is that maybe your dates are different because you truly met him that night at the park.” To say you were shocked was a bit of an understatement. You wanted to ask them so many questions you were finding it really hard to do them.

“What was it like for you two?” You tilted your head while Mara spoke, never breaking eye contact with Jake and that look, that glint in her eyes seemed so familiar it almost made you gasp.

_ “Why is he always looking at me with such a face? Gosh, he is so annoying.” Bucky was staring at you with a weird look in his eyes from across the bar, his expression shifting completely when his eyes landed on Jake, a huge smile plastered on his face. You rolled your eyes and squeezed Jake’s side for him to let go of your shoulders and join the boys. _

 

“Warmth, a feeling of extreme serenity and peace.” She smiled at Jake and before she could go on, the words left your mouth without a previous announcement.

“You  _ felt  _ him. You  _ saw  _ him.” You lowered your head and held it in both of your hands, sighing loudly trying to ease all the emotions that were weightening you down all at once. 

“Yes, that is the exact feeling we felt.” They both frowned when they saw you standing up and grabbing your things.

“Where are you going?” Jake asked concerned. After all these years knowing you, it felt like he was with a total different version of you. A confused and disoriented version of yourself. Illogical.

“I’m writing Bucky a letter.”


	12. Chapter 12

_ I don’t know how to tell you this face to face or if I’ll be able to. I don’t know if I am that brave. I don’t even know if you’ll read this, but here’s a piece of my mind. _

_ My skin screams your name and doesn’t matter how much I try to scratch you off, you never seem to go, that itch never fades. As much as I understand what you’ve been through all these years, as much as I want you near me, to hear your laugh or just breathe, I can’t. Not right now, not the way we both want to. _

_ I now realize all the little moments you showed your true self without realizing, all the glares that weren’t glares, every little thing you’ve done in order to not fuck up Jake.  _

_ I hate you for lying and hiding it from me, but I am grateful for the time you gave me with him.  _

_ But please, don’t hide from me now, not when I’ve found you. _

_ Jake always told me you can’t fight destiny, you can’t run from it and he was right. It took us nine years to find our soulmates, and I’m sorry you had to suffer that much. Sorry I was so blind. _

_ It’s going to be hard for me to trust you back, it won’t be easy.  _

_ I forgave you long ago, god I don’t even know if I was ever mad at you at all, but I need time. _

_ I don’t want you out of my life, ever. Of that, I am sure. _

_ Bucky, all I can offer you right now is my forgiveness and a place in my life, a friendship.  _

_ I am sure you’ll understand, but please, wait for me. Please. _

 

Bucky couldn’t believe his eyes when he read your letter, his heart almost stopping when he read your name written in the envelope. You still were in Chicago but he was relieved to know you were willing to give him a second chance, or at least to try. He wanted to write you back, he wanted to desperately, but what could he say? Whatever he could say, you already knew.

“Man, just text her whatever you feel like. She wrote you that letter for a reason, for her  _ own _ reasons.” Sam patted Steve’s shoulder so he could support his advice.

“Listen Buck, she probably needed to get that off her chest, you don’t need to write a love letter or something similar back. Just text her a short answer, long answer, whatever.”

So of course, Bucky did answer. He wrote five different messages but none of them seemed to be good enough, so he deleted them all.

At the end, he opted for a short but concise answer. 

 

_ Take all the time you need, I’ll always be waiting for you.  _

 

You couldn’t help the watery eyed smile from your lips when you read Bucky’s text after a week of sending the letter. You started to think he was never going to answer, but you felt relieved. 

You set your phone aside and lit up a cigarette, giving a swig to your beer. You were actually rather busy applying for jobs and you even had an interview at the Art Institute in Chicago, but you weren’t sure about it. You missed New York, you missed your friends and even though you tried hard not to think about it, you missed Bucky. 

You really thought about moving to Chicago, moving away from everything and everyone, but at the end of the day, it wasn’t home. 

You knew you were welcomed at their home, but you couldn’t help to feel like an intruder. Samara told you to stay for as long as you wanted or needed to and Jake didn’t want you to leave. It’s funny how in love you were and how it just vanished, all that was left was a deep affection  and respect. It was nice to know that you didn’t lose him and probably never would. 

“A penny for your thoughts?”Jake’s voice brought you back to reality, making you smile sadly.

“Do you think it was hard for Natasha?” You needed to ask, even though you already knew the answer. 

“It still is, I think. She never got closure like we did, she was forced to let go of him.” He placed his hand on yours and squeezed it tightly. 

“We were lucky, peaches. Don’t let this consume you. We all made decisions and they weren’t always the right ones, but at the end all we all wanted was to be happy.”

“But at what cost? We didn’t have to pay the price. Nat and Bucky did, for years.” 

“Y/n, it was their decision. Besides, you know how these two are, nothing could’ve changed their minds.”

“They really are annoying as fuck sometimes.”

“But I don’t want to live without them” you sighed, taking another cigarette and lit it up. 

-

Almost a month had passed since you’d left New York and everything without you seemed different for Bucky. It seemed empty. Every time he heard your laugh or saw your smile, it felt like one of those summer days at Coney Island with Stevie. He felt warm and careless, happy. 

Now everything was grey, it was monochromatic. He knew what he had done and that this was his punishment. No one knew anything about you besides Jake, who refused to share any information besides that you were okay. Natasha spoke to you more than she had said, Bucky knew because Tasha seemed to be herself again. Bucky offered her a job at the academy because he wanted to introduce ballet lessons and she was the best, so of course she agreed. 

“Buck, it’s almost 10pm, you should rest.” Natasha tossed her towel on her shoulder after wiping the sweat off her face. She went almost everyday to practice since they weren’t starting the lessons until the end of the month.

“I gotta finish this, just a few more touches and I’ll go home.” He held his head in both of his hands, sighing tiredly.

“You’ve been saying that for days and then leaving at 2am.” She patted his shoulder affectionately and left, leaving him alone with his thoughts.

 

_ Take your time, it's all you've ever known _

_ And nothing gets complete when you're home _

_ I pull you up so far _

_ You can't keep placing yourself below _

_ Waiting for your headache to go _

_ What do I know so far? _

 

“So far, so far, so far, so far, so far, so far…” Bucky wrote down the few changes he had done. He breathed in and out trying to steady his voice, full of emotion and trembling hands. He gulped and made a mental note to stop drinking so much coffee.

Cruise your phone, make sure your body's warm

_ Let's link up, tell me when you are home _

_ What do you know so far? _

_ You can't keep placing yourself above _

_ Touch is something short of true love  _

_ Oh, true love _

_ What do I know,  _ **_know_ ** _ , so far? _

 

Before he could finish the song a sniffle startled him, making him snap shut the fallboard with a loud thud. He turned expecting Natasha at the door, or maybe Steve or Sam. But instead, he saw you standing at the door, suitcase in hand. Your eyes widened when you saw his reaction, starting to regret coming to see him straight away. 

“Y/n?” He rubbed his eyes, thinking he might’ve been dreaming but there you were, standing in front of him, with a shy smile.

“I’m back.”


	13. Chapter 13

“You’ve changed. I like it.” Sam said with pride because he knew something had been suffocating you for a long time, but now you seemed...freed. Since you returned everything was settling down step by step, the relationships returned to be what they were, except Bucky. 

The night you arrived, the first person your body was  _ aching _ to see was Bucky and led by instinct, you showed up where he was. You knew you needed to see him, to feel him as much as he did. You spent hours talking to each other, about what you had missed from the other and about your future. You both came to the conclusion that it was better to start over as acquaintances, in order to rebuild the trust you had. It was hard the first weeks, not being able to text him or see him, but it was worth it.

“I’m glad I changed, I was drowning without noticing, Sammy.” He nodded knowingly and handed you your beer. Normally, Sam liked to go to your place since he liked it more than his own, but this time he insisted in you coming over. 

“So, how’s the Met?”

“Big, busy, full of art and people, but I love it. I really do. I miss my students sometimes and my coworkers are not as cool as Nat, but I feel like myself.” You smiled to yourself and looked out of the window, the sunset tinting Brooklyn in warm tones of pink, orange and yellow. As beautiful as Chicago was, nothing felt like being back at home with the people you loved the most.

“How is being a writer going though? When will I read one of your poetry books Sammy?”

“Oh about that.I’m happy to announce that  _ Three Winters  _ will be published real soon. I made it!” You jumped off the couch with a loud  _ Oh My God Sammy!  _ and proceeded to hug him and saying something about buying a thousand copies for him to sign so you could sell them on Ebay.

“We should celebrate and I recall you mentioning that tomorrow is your day off, so there’s no excuse.” You nodded, a sudden fear clouding your mind. You knew celebrating meant meeting the whole group at the usual bar. It’s not that you weren’t excited to see everyone gathered again, it was the fear of seeing Bucky after almost a month of radio silence. You knew it was a stupid thought, but what if he didn’t miss you as much as you missed him?

He told you he would wait for you and the night you came back, he told you again. 

“Is there something wrong?” You shook your head and smiled nervously, something Sam decided to ignore. If you had to share something, you would. He knew he couldn’t force you to say whatever was on your mind, he knew how stubborn you were. At that exact moment, you received a text from Nat, your fear only increasing.

 

_ Emergency meeting, now. Urgent matter. I’m at yours in 10 minutes. _

 

You showed Sam the text and both of you ran to his car, concerned that something bad could have happened since Nat was not someone to ask for help so openly. 

Ten minutes later, you both were climbing the stairs of your block two by two, breathless and worried.

“Nat?!” You called right after opening the front door, she had a key so she could be anywhere in the apartment.

“Here.” You heard her from the living room, her voice like a phantom. You threw everything on the floor and ran to her, stopping dead in your tracks when you saw her face. She was crying, all her mascara smudged and mixed with her tears. She had an expression you had never seen on her before, and that scared you. Sam was behind you, silent, studying the situation from afar. You approached Nat and kneeled in front of her, placing both of your palms on her cheeks. She looked at you with her big green eyes and you understood. You understood because you had seen that same expression a million times on a different face.

“Wanna tell me about it?” You asked carefully, your voice low so only she could hear it, although Sam went to the kitchen to make himself busy.

“He...He’s gone, Y/n.” Nat smiled, placing her hand on her heart, trying to make you understand what she meant. 

“Who’s gone, Nat?” She closed her eyes and sighed, opening them again slowly.

“Buck. She erased him.” You suddenly understood. You understood why she was so closed to love all these years back, why she looked at Bucky the way she did. She never got over him, she still loved him until now. 

“Where is it?” You both knew what you meant, so she reached for the hem of her dress and slide it up so you could see. Today’s date was etched on her skin, just a palm from her knee. White numbers.

“She’s the aunt of one of my students at the studio. Her name is Maria.” She shook her head, like she couldn’t believe this happened to her. “I’m finally free, he is gone.” She started to cry again, letting out years of hidden feelings and pining that now were gone. 

“I want you to know, I didn’t do it because of my feelings towards him. I knew it could never happen, that is why I was the one to end it. I don’t know why I did it, but it wasn't for him. I swear, it was not.” You placed your hand on hers and intertwined your fingers, squeezing reassuringly.

“Nat, I know. It’s okay, you're okay. We are okay.” Nat lowered her head until your foreheads touched and she smiled, relief washing over her.

“I love you in case I die.” You let out a giggle and kissed the tip of her nose.

“Me too, but you really need to stop quoting  _ Girl Boss _ , it’s been almost two years.” She smiled widely and pulled back, shrugging.

“What can I say, I’m just a hopeless romantic.”

“Wow, that is something I would’ve never thought I’d hear from you.”

“Hey Sammy, when did you get here?” Nat stood up and hugged him, her body relaxing after Sam’s hug.

“Since she came, so I heard everything, sorry. Now I know you are not dead inside.” Nat elbowed him jokingly and rolled her eyes.

“You will never get over that night, won’t you?” Sam shook his head, the three of you laughing. They both had a wild night back in college and Sam asked out on a date, but she of course refused cause they were friends.

“Now, should we go out and celebrate with the boys all these good news?” Nat asked, wiping off her smudged mascara and fixing her hair. It was infuriating how fucking fabulous she always looked and so effortlessly.

You sighed and nodded, Nat understanding immediately. “It will do you two good to see each other. Just as friends. He needs you and you need him. Baby steps, love. Baby steps.”


End file.
